One Simple Language Shift That Can Transform Your Homeschool

Kids need boundaries and clear expectations. We hear it all the time, right?

Well, today we’re going to take a step back from those thoughts because sometimes they actually make it worse. You try to be clear and firm, but you end up with pushbacks and meltdowns. It kinda makes you question why you’re doing this in the first place. If nobody’s happy homeschooling, what’s the point? And if you’ve already gone down the school path and it didn’t work, it can make things can feel pretty hopeless.

So, instead of pushing harder and trying to do a better job with the same tools that haven’t been working, we’re going to try something different.

It's called declarative language. This isn’t exactly a new concept (though it might be new to you), but it can be a challenging one to conceptualize and implement. It's one of the first things I talk about when families come to me in the deschooling process, especially if they are on this path because of school refusal.

What Is Declarative Language?

Most of us grew up in environments built on imperative language: adults in our world told kids what to do, when to do it, and how to do it.

"Get your books out." "It's time for math." "You need to finish this before lunch."

It’s very directive and clear. It feels like the natural choice if you are trying to establish clear expectations.

We're so used to it that we don't even notice we're doing it. It's just how school works. It's often how parenting works, too.

Declarative language, on the other hand, flips the script. Instead of directing, you're sharing information and observations. Instead of closing the door, you're opening it.

The difference looks like this:

Imperative: "Here's what we're doing today." Declarative: "I've got a lot of fun ideas for what we could do today."

One tells, the other invites. One is driven by expectations, one sets expectations aside in favor of information and opportunities.

Why It Matters for Neurodivergent Learners

For kids who are wired differently, being told what to do can trigger a stress response, even if you're doing it kindly. It might seem like defiance, but it's not. It's literally their nervous system reacting to a perceived threat. And it’s important to note the word perceived; adults often struggle with this because they don’t see any sort of threat in the situation. It takes time to process this concept because threats don’t have to be external to trigger a nervous system response. Any sort of loss of autonomy can be perceived as a threat.

Declarative language is a powerful tool because it reduces the friction that arises in these situations. It gives kids information instead of instructions, which helps them feel competent and in control of their own learning. It adds in more of that key word: autonomy. Over time, it builds the kind of relationship where learning can actually happen.

This is especially true during the deschooling period, when many families are actively trying to repair a child's relationship with learning after a difficult school experience. Shifting your language is one of the most concrete things you can do during that time.

It's Harder Than It Sounds

Knowing about declarative language and actually using it in real time are two very different things.

Most of us have to actively unlearn years of habitual directive speech. We have to set aside our expectations about what the outcome will be as often as possible, otherwise it can feel manipulative.

Picture this. Your child has left their sweatshirt in the middle of the floor, and you really want them to pick it up. So, you say, “I noticed your sweatshirt is on the floor.” That’s probably not going to get you anywhere because, although you phrased it in a declarative way, you’re still delivering an expectation.

Instead, try to focus more on sharing your experience: “I’m starting to feel a little bit overwhelmed by the state of the living room. I’m going to take the next few minutes to tidy up a bit.”

You might think they won’t help out, and you might be correct. You’re setting that expectation down and modeling. At this stage, you aren't trying to get them to do something, but you're not going completely hands off, either.

As you practice using declarative language more and more, you'll realize that you can, in fact, invite them in using declarative language. “Let’s work on this together,” is a good one. Just keep in mind that some kids might still perceive an expectation there, and you might still get some pushback. This is important information about how your child’s nervous system works, how they are doing, and how much they can tolerate right now.

This is a change that takes practice and support, but it's a change that is available to you right now. Even small, imperfect shifts start to make a difference.

If you want to go deeper, I highly recommend The Declarative Language Handbook by Linda K. Murphy. It is a game-changer for many families.

Want to Keep Learning?

This is exactly the kind of thing we dig into inside Road Less Traveled Homeschool, my Skool community for secular, inclusive homeschool families.

If you're looking for a place to ask questions, get support, and figure out what homeschooling actually looks like for your family, come join us.

Join Road Less Traveled Homeschool on Skool.

Julia McGarey is a parent coach and secular homeschool educator specializing in gifted and twice exceptional learners.